An unexpected day off from work today (7 Nov) enabled me to jump on a train bound for Cambridge, and with the carriage empty I sat back and stretched out, sliding my boots onto the seat opposite. I was asleep within minutes and would have slept all the way to Cambridge had it not been for someone’s voice booming throughout the carriage. I hurriedly came too and looked around searching for the offender, expecting to find a mother patronising her child, but was quickly reminded how irritating those automated train announcements can be especially when you are trying to read, sleep or eat. A middle-class white English female voice, synthetically manufactured, designed to be soothing, commanding yet also sexy all at the same time. The announcements are aimed at complete morons. Today, the first announcement, turned up to maximum volume by the masochistic and obviously bored train driver, informed me that we were arriving at Elsenham. The train, as expected, not only arrived at Elsenham, but, miraculously stopped at Elsenham. If 9 station platform signs were not enough to make it perfectly obvious we had arrived at Elsenham, then this dominatrix announced that we had indeed arrived at Elsenham, for effect the volume had been cranked up even more. The dominatrix then went on to remind any remaining passengers to take their belongings with then when leaving the train, in case any buffoon decided to leave the odd suitcase, laptop or IPad behind. I’ve been travelling on public transport for many years and have yet to find anything left behind worthy of shiftily taking home, unless you include a £10 I once found on a Southern Railways train to Worthing.
Moments later, the train sauntered on, leaving a barren Elsenham behind, but only to be reminded that we had just left Elsenham behind, really useful for anyone who wanted to alight at Elsenham, and that the next stop was Newport. I roughly estimated around 7 more stops to Cambridge; I was beginning to get frantic!
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