Annoying Train Driver

I can’t believe automated on-board train announcements serve any purpose, apart from disrupting train journeys, and denying any pleasure associated with the journey. I feel there must be a conspiracy linked to these announcements, but I haven’t quite worked it out yet.

Equally as irritating is the on-board entertainment, where the train driver assumes the role of journey commentator, and worse still, comedian. On a recent journey to Kings Lynn (8 Nov) my entire journey was disrupted by not only delays due to a track incident, but more irritatingly with the psychological trauma caused by an opinionated cockney train driver from Basildon, probably.

I was a nervous wreck by the time the train left Ely, this was due to the pointlessly irritating automated announcements, you know the type; you are arriving at blah, blah, blah. Several miles out of Ely the train stopped. I assumed there was, either something wrong with the train, or perhaps an incident further down the track, the only other option was that the train driver, just for the sheer hell of it, had decided to pull the train up, and abscond in the opposite direction, unlikely. Within minutes Mr Charming Train Driver started the first of several sporadic announcements. Firstly he announced with plenty of gusto that the train had stopped but had no further information but would do his best to keep us informed, well how fucking useful was that? 3 minutes later, and another announcement, this time in a theatrical tone, and sounding alarmingly like Jim Davidson, stated that the train had stopped due to an incident further down the tracks, but will keep us informed, blah, blah, blah, again, so bloody useful. Minutes later, and still sounding a lot like Jim Davidson, we were informed that a cow had caught its hoof on a level crossing, then bizarrely announced if anyone fancied steak tonight! There was then a slight snigger from Jim, and I tried to imagine how this would end.

Familiar hissing sounds suggested an imminent resumption of my journey, I managed to work that one out on my own, but only just in time because Jim stepped in to announce that apparently the cow had been freed, but a signalling failure meant a further delay, and then in a cor blimey heavy East End accent announced that we’ll never get to Kings Lynn at this rate, he was obviously impressed with this remark, evidenced by his subsequent belly laugh.

After a 15 minute delay the train was on the move again, and as if I wanted a second opinion to confirm this Jim Davidson, clearing his throat, announced that we were on our way to Kings Lynn, and, if anyone was to spot a stray cow on the way they should let him know. Thanks Jim, will do, now drive the sodding train and leave me and everyone else in peace.